I Forgot To Let You Know That The TENTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP 2014/2015 CAHL Season Preview

Tent Hockey Forward/Defenseman Paul Russo standing on the Moon after he exercised
the bonus clause in his contract to be sent to the moon after becoming a champion.

Forgive me. I kinda forgot to give a Tent Hockey Championship Post. But Yes we won and the Championship DVD "Inside the T" is phenomenal and I suggest you buy it. 

How do you follow up a championship run that included six wins, zero losses, Elk tears and spilled Beer Mugs? Its quite simple really. You don't skate (or necessarily work out for that matter) for 4 months and just pick right up where you left off. 

The front office tandem of Sal Taormina and Francis Hawkins were busy this summer revamping the Tents during free agency. There was a desperate need to replace outgoing defenseman Rory Kain after he was unable to refuse the lucrative offer made by the Gulls. In addition, another Tent Hockey defenseman, Robert "Moose" Morrissey had to answer the call of real life and join the police academy for the first half of the season. What did "BatDad and The Hawk" come up with? I'm not really sure they came up with anything. Player/Coach/Captain/Dreamboat Norman Michael MacFarland had to make hard decisions. After tirelessly working the Beer League Free Agent Market, (consiting eating 47 large Papa Ginos pizza's, countless chicken finger dinners and 31 quarts of ice cream) there were two signings. 

1. Free Agent Conor Cranston was stolen from the first year Mason's squad. He is a good hockey player and will join the impeccable defensive duo of Todd Brunson and Thomas Jason Salah. Speed and Skill will complement "Blu" and Todd quite nicely. 

2. Free Agent Connor "Dragon" Ressel was signed mid summer and is looking to clean up the garbage with his big frame and monster net drives. Dragon and Gargoyle will be on the doorstep and in opposing goaltenders nightmares. Add Norm, Webby, Biondo, and The Russo boys to the equation and you are looking at the best foward corps in the New Look, 6 Team CAHL.

Here's to hoping real life doesnt call Derek Souza in the middle of the season. We kinda need him.

Here is an in depth preview of the other 5 teams in the Cape Ann Hockey leauge....

The Kings-  Garbage.

The Elks -  Garbage

The Gulls - Garbage

The Masons -  The Masons just signed Jack Doyle to an entry level contract. Jack Doyle will be a household name before you know it. Despite this signing, The Masons are Garbage.

The Beer Mugs - as we found out in the finals, Old, Festering Garbage.

So fasten your seatbelts, all 15 fans, this season should be a doozie.

Bye. 

Tent Hockey Facial

I strongly suggest reading this while the music is playing. I do it on purpose and it helps you get in the mood.

The Event Company Tents are 5-0 in the playoffs. After dispatching the Elks in a first round sweep, which was capped off by a scintillating shootout, your favorite protectors from the elements have defeated the Beer Mugs in two straight.  Here are  your need to knows from games 1 and 2.

Game One: Tents beat Mugs 4-3

It was a special night at the Tank. Fans lined up for hours in anticipation to watch their Favorite team take on the Beer Mugs. Over 30 fans packed the Tank to take in the heart pounding action. Just kidding they were there for Free Fireball and Gambling on the 50/50 raffle and there just so happened to be a Championship hockey game being played. I really dont remember too much other than these few points.

1. The Line of Michael Russo, Paul Russo and Brett Biondo are really, really good. If my memory serves me correctly they accounted for two of our four goals.

2. Garrett Webb with the power move to the front of the net and banged it home with a flourish.

At this point I think we were up 3-1 at the end of two periods and were feeling really good about ourselves. This is where I am obligated to mention that our third periods have been very Non-Bruins like. Like we suck. Our third period goal differential in the playoffs HAS TO BE at least -10. Desperation works wonders for teams playing for their playoff lives. (Foreshadowing for game two, I'm really good at that.)

One second I just remembered something....

Rewind to before the game. For some reason that I have no good explanation for other than I like to give my money away. I told Tent Hockey Forward Andrew "Gargoyle" (Yes he has that name on his GHS Hockey Bag) Fulford that if he scored the game winning goal I would buy him a thirty pack of beers. Again, I am dumb and like to give my money away. So Andrew goes out and scores this beauty of a top titty goal and were up 4-1 I think. No big deal right? WRONG. We give up two goals to make it 4-3 and Fulford gets the game winner. Fuck me.

3. I played well.

End result: Tents Lead Championship Series 1-0.

Game Two: Tent Beat Mugs 5-4 in OT

What a fucking game. The fans were back wearing shirts made with love by ERECTION and donated by Palazolla's. I think. I'm not going to tell you what the slogan on the back says because its rated PG-13. But anyways the Tank was ready to go. I cant remember who scored goals one and two for us (I think Biondo scored one of them) because I was so caught up in explaining to the Mugs players who were insistent on having a wiener measuring contest to show how tough they are that I would gladly compare mine to theirs and win.

Point is that the Mugs will want to kill you one shift and the very next shift they will genuinely ask you how your family is doing and politely request for you to enjoy your holiday. It is very interesting.

At this point the Tents are up 2-0 in game 2.

Next thing we know were down 3-2 Todd's foreshadowing worked BRILLIANTLY. We became the desperate team. Someone scored for us (Fulford?) and we tie it up 3-3. A Bad pinch then leads to the Beer Mugs scoring the go ahead goal to make it 4-3 with a little over 3 minutes to play. For two mascots that are inanimate and were not manufactured with reproductive organs, We found out that IF these objects were to have them, Tents had larger kajones than Beer Mugs in the waning minutes of game two. Todd had a brilliant assist on our game tying goal. Again, for some reason I have no clue who scored for us because I was too busy showboating nowhere near our team goal celebration. (Dont worry I remember who scored the GWG) and the game heads into overtime.

If the song is over at this point. Restart it. This is the best part.

Over time starts. Various plays were made by both teams with no consequences. Then all of a sudden..... Todd makes a great play along the boards to stop this dude named Harry from getting possesion and breaking up the ice (side note I think I broke his back by trying to push him over the boards into his bench, if not he got a great chiropractic session free of charge.) The Tents regain possession and send little Michael Russo up the ice. He dangles around two cones (Beer Mug defensemen) and score a game winning beauty and TENTS WIN! TENTS WIN!

End Result: Tents Lead Championship Series 2-0.

Go Tents, Go Bruins. This is how we do it.

OH SNAP I ALMOST FORGOT! A BIG Congratulations to Tent Hockey goaltender Derric Souza and his wife Melissa on their marriage! We expect Souza back for Game three after his honeymoon is spent watching film on the Mugs after one of their daddies filmed their games. Big ups to the Souza's.

The End.

****Editors note****

Reader feedback is concerned with the amount of shameless self promotion I use. So to bring us closer to the mean I made a few bad passes in the first period that the Mugs baited me into. The trap is frustrating and my outlet passes were getting blocked or picked off. I adapted and prevailed, however.

An Updayte On Your Favorite Beer League Team Who has an Inanimate Object that Protects Your Beautiful Faces From the Elements as it's Mascot

Tents In First Place

In case you have not heard, and I almost guarantee that you have not... or at least dont care enough to want to actively seek this information, The Event Company Tents (that inanimate object I was referencing) have overcome a Bruins-esque slump and have risen to the top. This stay could be temporary, it could be forever. Probably the former so I am going to drink the Virgin Kool-Aid for as long as it lasts.

Notes from the summit push....

- Andrew "Gargoyle" Fulford, after a light scoring drought, was approached by management after the new year regarding a Performance Bonus to potentially bolster his offensive production. The offer was to reward Fulford with a monetary bonus if he was able to score the game winning goal in recent contests. Fulford scored two goals in these contests and Management came perilously close to actually having to pay his performance bonus in this past weeks 4-2 victory over the Elks until a late tally by the Large Northern Mammals precluded Gargoyle from reaping the benefits of his hard work. Management has since rescinded the performance bonus offer.

- Goaltending comes at a premium in this league (unless management decides to order the net minder to let one in to avoid paying performance bonuses) and Tent 'Tender Derrick Souza is at the top of his game... frequently bailing us out when we have been undressed by a talented opposing forward... or get caught up ice and give up an odd man rush

- Due to the periodic absence of Tom Salah, as well as permanent absences of injured Austin Sousa and Furloughed Cam Scola, the Defensive corps has been forced to make adjustments. Offensive Defenseman and team resident Cutie Pie Paul Russo has been lent to the forwards these past weeks to lend a hand (a really good hand), thus leaving Rob Morrissey, Rory Kain and yours truly to patrol the blue line short handed.... It has been an effective adjustment. One match even featured all 3 defensemen scoring a goal (more on this later)

- The Forwards are doing their part. Brett Biondo, Garrett Webb, Michael Russo and Player/Coach/Owner Norman Michael MacFarland have all found the back of the net. Some say the best defense is a good offense (while I disagree), the Tent Hockey Forward Unit has lent some credence to that assertion.

- The league players still hate our fearless leader Norman Michael Macfarland. I guess his compete level is just at a level we simply cannot reach. Must be those homecooked gourmet meals he eats. Just kidding, Chicken Fingers, French Fries, Pizza and Iced Cream are his fuel of choice. Has he ever cooked a meal you might ask.... we may never know. Ask him at our next game!

- Personal Notes: THE SCORING DROUGHT IS OVER! THE SCORING DROUGHT IS OVER! After what seemed to be an eternity (nearly 2 full seasons) without a goal, Todd Brunson scored 2 goals in three games. Damn did it feel good to be a gangster again. However, on a slightly embarrassing note, during that afforementioned stretch of games with only 3 defensemen, Todd heroically fell on the plus minus sword and was on the ice for 13 consecutive opponents goals. Impressive gash to the old ego. However, his teamates finally recognized the monumental sacrifice that he had made so that others could have better personal statistics and finally let a goal in while Todd was re-energizing on the bench. Thanks, Fellas!

P.S. We have a traitor in our midst. A cowardly lion decided to hit and run Norms car. DEATH TO THE INFIDEL! Or at least we can make him pay for the damage. I need everyone to do their best Hardy Boys impersonations and find this offender for our Dear Leader (North Korea EWWWW). Emily Avila has been coordinating the investigation and needs your help!

Thanks, Bye.