There are many things in life that make a man happy. First Car, First Home, His favorite Pro team winning a championship (Fuck you Tom), and he may even have been laid a few times... but nothing compares to the 2 goal, 3 point performance in men's league hockey.
So there Todd was, sitting in the cramped locker room number two at DTMR aka The Tank, pondering one of lifes great questions, how miserable will my equipment smell when I unzip the gas chamber that is my equipment bag (rhetorical question). How miserable will it be putting on my jock strap that I have worn for ten consecutive years? Will this be the week that I can actually tie my skates with my pants on? Beyond all of the uncertainty, there was one definitive proclamation. Todd looks up and says to Jack Doyle.... "I'm going to score tonight." A bold strategy from a lifetime defensive defenseman's defensive defenseman. A man who has scored less goals in his life than years he has lived on this planet. (no word on how many goals scored in previous lives past). But in any case, something special was afoot.
Todd is feeling so overconfident, in fact, he blows off the "THIS MEANS YOU" sign at the gate to the ice banning all players from skating on the ice during resurfacing. Nobody pays attention to that sign. It's like it doesn't even exist. The only player on the Tents who does not wear his current issued jersey because its a little snug (hey, its like American eagle, Reebok discriminates against the "husky" man) so Todd is permanently stuck in throwback mode. Asked whether he lives in the past on purpose, "No Comment."
The puck is dropped to start the first period and we immediately have problems. Missing passes left and right. Falling on his ass TWICE, turning the puck over in the process. Todd has an abysmal first period. Staking the Elks to an early lead. But then something amazing happens. Its like god took over. Down 3-0 in the second, Michael Russo wins the draw, Jagr passes to Todd, Todd sauces to Jack Doyle, Jack Doyle fires a cross ice pass to Norm (BAE), Norm (BAE) gains entry to the Offensive zone and fires one past The Elks netminder and we now have ourselves a game!
Seemed appropriate.
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The third period is underway, and things look bleak. 5-2 advantage for the Elks. But folks, this is why you better fucking start coming to these games you lazy good for nothing no good dirty rotten scoundrels.
Andrew Fulford takes the puck up the right wing and has Elk Defenders closing in on him quickly. He looks for an open man, and unfortunately, he could only find Todd. Better to pass to the lifetime .000068 shooting percentage Defenseman than turn the puck over, he says to himself...... Thus bringing us to "The Pass." Fulford sauces the most saucy pass of all time from his back hand right into Todd's wheel house. Todd loads up his cannon and, making sure he keeps his weight forward as to not take someones ear, eye, nose or mouth out, one times a beauty off the far post and in. 5-3 Elks. Cue the over the top Celebration.
Jagr and Michael both feeding off Todd's energy, tie the game up at 5 heading into "Winning Time."
Then, after a lengthy debate whether David Krejci is a left handed or right handed shot, in which Andrew Fulford was able to shave $20 off his accounts payable because Todd has dad brain, a flat out Miracle occurred.
No last name Mike, who I recently found out his last name but will withhold it because its funnier this way, has the puck at the top of the offensive zone... fearing a turnover, Mike needs to make a pass. Of course he can only find the Defender with the newly improved .000069 shot percentage. He passes the puck right into Todd's wheelhouse and Todd, actively putting his weight forward, one times a beauty passed Sutera, who wanted to puke everywhere, for the GWG.
First off I want to thank Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. That wasnt me scoring those goals. Jesus guided those pucks into the net just like he guides our lives to the path of righteousness.
Second, I want to thank my teammates for giving me this opportunity. Putting up with my "eccentric" ways can be a struggle.
Finally... I called my shot. Like Babe Ruth. I called it. That makes me, for at least the next week, the man. Deal with it.
Barf bags available upon request.
Peace.
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