Just Because We Can, Doesn’t Mean We Should

Having a little spare time is a healthy and necessary element of humanity (and sanity for that matter.) But I’ve recently noticed that having too much down time can result in ludicrous thoughts and actions.

In my elementary days of learning the solar system, I was your typical 3^rd grader, constructing subpar mobiles and making jokes about Uranus. And just like the rest of the World, I was taught that there were 9 planets. However, Pluto was recently demoted as one of these planets. Some under qualified scientist at the “Minor Planet Center” (sounds real legit) assigned the object an asteroid number, and it is now known as “134340.” So forget about Pluto, and get acquainted with the new and improved asteroid, 134340! There are now 8 planets people, not 9. Get with the program.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I have never seen people flip the fuck out more than when the Zodiac signs changed. I don’t believe in any of that voodoo, earthy-crunchy zodiac sign stuff. In fact, the only time I ever see them is at 1 a.m. on my placemat in Dragon Light. But it goes back to the basic question of “Why?” Why fuck with something that dates back to ancient times, and has remained unchanged since? I feel bad for the person that got a Scorpion tattooed on their chest, or a Lion inked on their ass, because now it all means nothing. Yet, my ultimate remorse goes out to those who now have the ‘fresh-off-the-press’ Ophiuchus as their sign. I mean, can you even pronounce that without sounding part retarded?

You can take my planets and my Zodiac sign, but this is where I draw the line. We all grew up with one board game that symbolized our very childhood as we know it: Monopoly. There was just something about taking chances, busting out jail, and sneaking cash when no one was looking that captivated the hearts and minds of those that took part. It truly was the PERFECT game. But like most perfect things, we once again were unhappy. And because of this, if you were to go to the store and buy a brand new Monopoly game, you won’t find dice or paper money in the box anymore. Instead, there’s now a monumental red tower that sits in the center of the game, outfitted with an infrared camera and speaker box. And apparently this almighty tower has a bad case of PMS, counting money and collecting rent, ensuring players move the correct number of spaces, and issuing instructions in a chipper digital voice. Sounds just like Monopoly, right?

You may read this and say, “Coon, why do you give a shit about any of this mumbo jumbo.” But the fact of the matter is this: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I was taught that Pluto was a planet, and to this day, I still consider it one. I have an original version of Monopoly, complete with paper money, and I bet it’s tit loads more fun than the one with a bossy-ass robot. Boys and girls, in spite of all of this, I guess what I’m trying to say is that just because we can, doesn’t always mean we should.

-Coon